Archive for August, 2009

Starting Over

My boyfriend and I were eating some sushi for lunch today when he looked across the table and asked, “Do you ever just want to move away and leave everything behind?” (Or something similar to that.) I practically screamed yes….because let’s face it, I feel like that often. Well, it would be more accurate to say that I feel that way every single day. I don’t feel like I belong here. I know that’s a weird thing to say about the place I grew up and have lived for pretty much my whole life. I just feel stifled and trapped. I feel like I’m not going to find what I need here. I feel like it’s time to move on….to a place that might actually have something to offer me. A place without a family who judges, friends I can’t rely on, and scenery I’ve already seen a million times. I need to figure out how I’m going to make that happen. I’ve done it before, I can do it again. I NEED to do it again. I want to feel alive again….and excited about something again. I want to have something to look forward to….it’s been awhile since I’ve had that. It’s so hard to feel motivated to find a job and everything when I’m somewhere I really DON’T want to be (I know I’ve mentioned that before). My family is a mess….I can’t depend on them like I used to be able to. It’s easier for me NOT to be around them. I love them, obviously….they’re my family….but I KNOW I would get along with them better if there was some distance between us. I’ve never been more sure about anything….I need to do something different. Now I need to figure out how to accomplish it. I’ve thought about becoming a live-in nanny somewhere. That way I would have a place to live AND a job. Seems like a pretty good idea…. We shall see.

I found the PERFECT live-in nanny position. It’s down near Olympia and I would get my own apartment, separate from the family’s house (this is an important feature). I would also get paid a weekly salary, as well. It would have been plenty to provide for my necessities, and then some (such as plane tickets to visit my boyfriend….). Sadly, though, they want someone who has a car so I had to say I can’t do it. I REALLY wanted to. They liked me a lot and I was at the top of their list. Basically they were ready to hand me the job. I’m disappointed. Door after door gets slammed in my face, and it just makes me want to leave even more. Is there anything for me here?! I’m getting frustrated.

I was driving home last night from David’s house and had a reality check, as I was driving through downtown Lake Stevens of all places. I realized he’s going to be gone soon….the person who keeps me sane, offers me a place of escape, and the person whose arms are the one place I feel safe and like everything’s going to be okay. What will I do without that?! He’s one of the few people here I can count on. He’s my sanity sometimes. He has seen me at my worst, yet he has stuck around. I can truly be myself with him. I don’t have to pretend, I don’t have to hide anything. With him gone, I REALLY don’t have much of a reason to stay. I don’t know, I have a hard time imagining him being GONE. I try not to dwell on it….I don’t want to be in tears through all the time I have left with him before he moves. But every once in awhile, it hits me. I guess it’s better to deal with the emotions as they come, instead of pushing them further down inside. I know we’ll be fine….we have a really good foundation and a lot of trust. I’m just going to miss him….plain and simple. πŸ™‚

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I had a pretty fun day. Me and David went to lunch with my dad’s side of the family (who I don’t see very often). My grandma and great grandma were there and then also my aunt and uncle and my cousins. It was good to see them. We hadn’t all been together since Christmas I think! It’s always a LITTLE bit weird….my dad is never at these get-togethers. His brother’s family has chosen not to be around him….as have me and my sister. Sometimes I wonder if he ever gets sad about all that he has lost. Does he look at it as a loss? Or does he REALLY think we are all the ones with the problem? I find it hard to believe that he really believes that, deep down. Is he happy not seeing two out of his three children? Is he happy that his brother doesn’t want to be part of his life? Does he think his new life is as perfect as he thought it would be? I don’t know….just things I ponder sometimes.

I’m getting a bit frustrated with my job search. Finding another job is pretty much all I think about. It’s always in the back of my mind. I’m trying to either: a.)find another part time position in the same area as the job I currently have, or b.) find a full time nanny position in Seattle or the Eastside….preferably Seattle, since it’s easier to get to. It would be ideal if I could find a live-in position as well. That way I would be able to move out of my mom’s house, yet wouldn’t have to pay rent. I would still be able to save up for a car. I don’t feel like I can really pay rent until I have the car thing out of the way. It would take me FOREVER to save up for one if such a large chunk of my income was also going to rent and such. The frustration I’m having, is that most positions I am finding require a vechicle. A lot of parents want help with school pick-ups and such, so obviously I would need a car for that. I have found SO MANY seemingly great jobs and then have to immediately discard them because I obviously don’t have a car. It’s frustrating.

My grandpa had given me his car to use a few months ago. We agreed that I would use it for at least a year, and then we would discuss whether I would keep using it or whether or not he wanted it back. (He can hardly walk and doesn’t have a license, but for some reason he has it in his head that he’s going to drive again someday. He most likely won’t.) The car is on my grandma’s insurance, so I had to pay her a LOT of money up front to get it covered (insurance companies always seem to require a big chunk of money at the start of coverage). If I had known that he was going to change his mind, I wouldn’t have dropped so much money. That’s a lot of money for no reason, when I didn’t have a whole lot to begin with. I was more than a little frustrated about that. I have no idea where the car is now. I never had a discussion with them about the reasons why I couldn’t use it anymore. I was pretty annoyed. Mostly because I wasted a lot of money. I can only hope I have a car someday soon. Two and a half hours to get to work is going to get old….not to mention it’s going to be really time-consuming. I’d rather do that though than be dependant on anyone in my family.

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I think I’ve mentioned it before, but I LOVE quotes. I have a whole list saved on the computer of quotes I have copied and pasted. I often use them as Facebook statuses. There’s something about words that I just love. I love being able to convey feelings and emotions in a tangible form. I think it’s the main reason I love writing. I’ve never been very good at talking about my feelings. For some reason, I have a hard time opening up and confiding in people. I’m much better at getting my thoughts across in written form. Whenever I wanted to talk to my parents about something when I was younger, I wrote it to them in a letter. That was a better way to do it for me. I have a tendency when I’m talking to someone to get nervous or flustered and as a result, not be able to convey everything I was wanting to. I’m REALLY private, so opening up about things having to do with my life (especially my personal life) is something I have a hard time doing….even with my own family.

I got a little off topic. Back to quotes. I’ve been discouraged lately, feeling like I’m nowhere NEAR where I want to be at this point in my life. I look around at other people my age who seem to have it all figured out-they have careers, and families, and they go on vacations, they have homes of their own. It’s easy to get discouraged. I feel like I have to fight so hard for everything. Nothing seems to come easily.

I have been basing my self worth on my profession, my monetary value (which isn’t much, let’s face it), and what other people think of me. As a result, I’ve been a little discouraged, because I’m not where I want to be in those areas. I want to be seen as successful. Most people have no idea of my past….that I was on my own at 19 and actually did a great job in providing for myself. I lived in Chicago, on my own, and never ONCE came close to not being able to pay the bills. I would give anything to be in that place again. No one knows all the hardship I’ve seen. All they see is the here and now. And that’s when I realize….it’s not about what I DO, or how much money I make, or what other people think of me. It matters what I think of myself. I would rather people see me as a caring, loving, compassionate person….someone who would do anything for those she cares about. Someone who is nurturing and giving. Someone who always lets the people she cares about KNOW that she cares about them. I would much rather people see me that way than as a success in the business world. Do I want a career I love? Absolutely….and I will get it eventually. But that is never going to define who I am.

There’s a reason I am how I am. There’s a reason that I put others first. A reason that I am able to trust again and again, no matter how many times I am betrayed and let down. There’s a reason I am able to take the hardships I go through in life and let them make me a better person….I don’t become bitter and vow to never let any one be close to me again. I use those experiences to become a stronger person….and to help other people go through the same things. Those traits are what make me who I am. I often wonder WHY I’m not more bitter or scared of relationships….I’ve been through a lot of crap. I haven’t seen very many examples of healthy relationships in my family. But for SOME REASON, I am still sweet, trusting, and vulnerable. I wouldn’t change that about myself. It’s what makes me special. I just know that it all has happened for a reason….I’m supposed to do something great with all of this….whether it’s helping other people get through hardships or writing a boook, I’m not quite sure yet. I need to not look so much at my shortcomings, my failures, or the things I don’t have….I need to look at how far I’ve come….not how far I still have left to go. In a very short amount of time I have been through my parents’ divorce, breakups, being cheated on, being laid off, losing everything, church dramas, betrayals by friends and somehow I’ve come through it all. In the process, I have realized what I believe, what I want in life, and I’ve found the strength to make my own decisions without feeling like I have to please others anymore. It’s been a very eye-opening experience for me. I feel like I’m constantly learning, like my eyes have been open finally, and I love it. I am also much more thankful for the things I DO have….like friends I can count on, a job I love (even if it doesn’t pay a lot!), an amazing boyfriend who is constantly challenging me, family who loves me (even if they don’t always show it), and the ability to learn through it all. Those are some awesome things! πŸ™‚

Anyway, here are some quotes that have encouraged me where I am in life:

“The happiest people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything they have.”

“It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard, everybody would do it. The hard… is what makes it great.”

“…if anything matters then everything matters. Because you are important, everything you do is important. Every time you forgive, the universe changes; every time you reach out and touch a heart or a life, the world changes; with every kindness and service, seen or unseen, my purposes are accomplished and nothing will be the same again.” -From “The Shack” by William P. Young

“You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, ‘I have lived through this horror. I can take the next thing that comes along.’ You must do the thing you think you cannot do.”
-Eleanor Roosevelt

“Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”
-Theodore Roosevelt

“I have learned that success is to be measured not so much by the position that one has reached in life as by the obstacles which he has had to overcome while trying to succeed.”
-Booker T. Washington (I LOVE this one.)

“Excellence is:
caring more than…others think is wise
risking more than…others think is safe
dreaming more than…others think is practical
expecting more than…others think is possible.”

“To laugh often and much, to win the respect of intelligent people and the affection of children, to earn the appreciation of honest critics and endure the betrayal of false friends, to appreciate beauty, to find the best in others, to leave the world a bit better, whether by a healthy child, a garden patch…to know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived. This is to have succeeded!” – Emerson

“Never reach so far that you forget what is near.”

“Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind.”-Dr. Suess

“Character cannot be developed in ease & quiet. Only through experiences of trial and suffering can the soul be strengthened, vision cleared, ambition inspired, and success achieved.” – Helen Keller

“Patience is something we can imagine we have, till the pressures of life bring out the truth.”

So there you have it….some of my favorite quotes, lately. I have many more, but these are the ones I have found especially encouraging lately.

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I just spent a few minutes reading through my old blog. When I lived in Chicago I had a blog on Diaryland and I’ve just never deleted it. I like the idea that I can go back and look at it and remember what I was going through and experiencing at the time. I came to a conclusion….I was closer to be being where I wanted to be THEN. I had a good job, in a city I loved and I was independent and doing it all on my own. I was a distance away from my family, which is a REALLY good thing, believe it or not. The only thing I have now that I didn’t then, is an awesome boyfriend (I spent a lot of time writing about how I wanted one).

With my boyfriend moving away, there’s really not much keeping me here. It’s weird that I have lived here most of my life, yet don’t feel a strong sense of connection or even nostalgia. I feel like I don’t FIT. I don’t feel close to my family either (what’s left of it anyway). I feel like the odd one out….the heathen, the failure. It’s not a good feeling. Since I moved back from Chicago, I have wanted to move away again….I just don’t know where to. I’ve been thinking of moving back to Chicago lately, but I’m not sure. I’ve already lived there….I would kind of like to live somewhere I haven’t lived yet. I would love to live on the East Coast, but I don’t want my boyfriend to think I’m following him. I’m just not sure where I want to go. Maybe I would feel differently if I was living in a vibrant area, with awesome roommates, and lots of fun to be had. The reality is, I am living in the same town I went to high school in, and I HATE it. Living in Downtown Seattle appeals to me way more than suburban living does. I feel stifle, trapped, and unmotivated here. How do I motivate myself in a place I don’t want to be in the first place?

I feel like my well-being depends on my getting out of my mom’s house as soon as possible. It’s not good for me, at all. I don’t have my own space. The worst thing is not feeling like I have anyone who supports me. I’m tired of feeling judged and looked down upon. I’m tired of being seen as the black sheep that needs to be prayed for. I’m tired of manipulation and guilt-trips. I’m SO much happier when I am out on my own (and I get along better with my family too).

My boyfriend has provided a bit of an escape for me, when my house becomes too much. I’m always welcome at his family’s house. That has provided me with a family environment. They’re not MY family but they are a family unit, and it’s nice to be around that sometimes when you don’t have it yourself. With David leaving, I have had to face that I will no longer have that place to go. It’s made me question what I actually have here.

There are friends I would miss. I’ve had the opportunity to make a few good friends lately and I would miss them. I don’t know what I’m going to do. If I stay here, I will need to move to an area I actually like and if I move away I would need to figure out where to….and I would need to save up sufficient funds as well. Perhaps downtown Seattle would do the trick. Maybe that would be enough of a change of scenery. But maybe I need to go out of state. We will see. I’ve always said (and I said this in the blog I was talking about earlier) that there are too many places I want to live in and experience. It seems sad to stay in one place. (I realize most people don’t feel this way.)

Any advice for me? Places I might enjoy living? I apologize for the somewhat depressing blog….I just am no longer able to ignore the fact that I need to do something different. I have no responsibilites right now, really….no one depending on me, no place of my own….it seems like a good time to make a change. This is the first time (since I’ve been an adult) I have really been able to say that….I’ve always had roommates, leases, jobs I’ve been committed to, and/or car payments. I always had reasons I couldn’t just up and leave. I have a lot of thinking to do.

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I feel stressed lately. I think it finally hit me that my boyfriend is moving to the opposite coast and therefore I’m going to need to figure out how to pay for plane tickets so I can visit once in awhile. When I lived in Chicago I bought tickets to come home and visit all the time….however, I worked way more hours (therefore making way more money). I’m just a nanny….and while I love my job, it doesn’t pay a lot. David’s going to visit, but it’s only logical to assume that I will need to visit too….I mean we do have to see each other every once in awhile! I’m looking for other jobs, so hopefully I can find some more income. I’ll make it work….it’s important to me, so I will just have to make sacrifices where I can. The current plan is that I will visit for Thanksgiving. I’m HOPING I won’t really have to go all of September, October, and most of November before I see him again….that’ll be really hard! I’m trying not to think about that. It’s almost impossible for me to imagine how it’s going to feel to go that long without seeing him….it’s going to be hard, but I can do it. Maybe he’ll miss me so much, he’ll fly out and visit. πŸ™‚ I can dream!

On top of saving up for plane tickets, I need to be saving up for a car….and paying for school….and moving out. I need more income! I’m very overwhelmed at the moment.

Really I just want to move away and start all over somewhere new. I moved back from Chicago about five years ago and I feel absolutely smothered here. I need to go somewhere new. I feel stifled and trapped, and it isn’t a good thing for me. There’s nothing keeping me here (still!) so why shouldn’t I move away? I have a hard time job searching when I really don’t want to be here in the first place. I need an adventure.

Maybe someday it won’t all be so difficult. Maybe someday I won’t have to stress about every single expense and purchase. But until then, I will keep pressing on. I’m stubborn….I’ll figure it out.

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Three Things

Three names I go by:

1. Erika (it’s pretty much impossible to shorten)

2. baby, babe and all those other sappy little nicknames (that would be from David of course)

3. My aunt calls me “Wein”

Three jobs I’ve had in my life:

1. I worked at the Bon (which is now Macy’s)

2. Receptionist (many times over)

3. Nanny

Three places I’ve lived:

1. Lake Stevens, WA

2. Chicago, IL

3. Kirkland, WA

Three favorite drinks:

1. iced nonfat white chocolate mocha

2. Diet Coke

3. Lemonade of any kind or variety

Three television shows I watch:

1. The Real Housewives

2. Tori and Dean

3. TLC Shows (18 Kids and Counting, Jon and Kate Plus 8, Little People Big World)…as you can see I like reality shows! Lol.

(I don’t watch much tv however lately….when I do it’s usually late at night, so it’s nick @ nite or the Golden Girls)

Three of my favorite foods:

1. Thai

2. Mexican

3. Mashed potatoes

Three of my favorite restaurants:

1. Ixtapa

2. Blue C. Sushi

3. Fred’s

Three things I couldn’t live without:

1. Books

2. Music

3. texting (although technically I have lived without that)

Three things I can’t stand:

1. Arrogance

2. dishonesty

3. Conflict

Three things I’m decent at:

1. Writing

2. Typing (over 70 words per minute with 100% accuracy, thank you very much)

3. Being a good girlfriend (David agrees)

Three things I’m looking forward to this weekend:

1. Starbucks

2. Time with David

3. Being random

Three things I’m addicted to:

1. Books

2. Music

3. Kisses and hugs from David (cheesy, I know)

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So Much Fun

I am slacking a little in the blogging department. Mainly because my computer is annoying to blog on….I will be typing along and all of a sudden it will just start deleting everything I’ve written and won’t stop. It’s like I’m pushing the backspace key, except I’m not. Needless to say, it makes typing anything difficult! I’m using David’s computer right now though, so I think I will try to catch up on blogging about all the fascinating events of my life. πŸ™‚

I’ve been nannying pretty much every day this week, so it’s been nice to make some money! Soon, I will be working a set amount of hours each week, so that will be nice. Besides working, I’ve been spending lots of quality time with David….what a lucky guy. πŸ™‚ He is moving soon, so I’m trying to get as much time in with him as possible. He’s been really sweet and understanding. We went to the library on Monday. That might not sound very exciting to most people but I LOVE libraries. When I moved to Chicago one of the first things I did was sign up for a library card….it’s always kind of been a necessity for me. They have free wi-fi at the Snohomish library so David did some work and I facebooked and looked for jobs. David was laughing because I came back to the table with a huge stack of books. We also had some really great conversations. We were both open and honest with each other….it was so awesome. Probably one of my favorite days ever with David. πŸ™‚

Tuesday night I played pool with David and his friend Ana and her boyfriend. It was a very humbling experience for me. David has been teaching me pool but before we started dating, I had never played in my life. Needless to say, I’m not very good. The other thing? Well, I’ve never actually played an actual game. It’s always just been me and David. Basically everyone (but me) was pretty decent at pool. It was me and David against Ana and her boyfriend. We lost….because of me. It was kind of embarassing for me. I tend to not like people staring at me either….so me playing a game I’m not very comfortable with, in front of people I had just met, was kind of unnerving. It was still fun…at least I can laugh at myself! πŸ™‚ I always enjoy meeting David’s friends….they tend to all be cool.Β  After pool we went out to dinner at Fred’s (also in Snohomish).

David has been awesome and has let me use his car this week to drive to work. It saves me a VERY long bus ride, so I have been very appreciative. πŸ™‚ He really is the best.

I’m learning not to take anything for granted these days….I’m having so much fun with my David. He’s moving soon, yes, but I have no doubt that we will make many more memories together….and I will appreciate them so much more. πŸ™‚

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My boyfriend is back from New York City! πŸ™‚ Yesterday was a very good day….I honestly didn’t sleep at all on Tuesday night, I was so excited. Yes, I am a nerd, but I really missed that guy. I know he was only gone for five days, but that is currently the longest time I have gone without seeing him since we started dating, almost 5 months ago. Plus, he is moving far away next month, so I was realizing that that’s what it’s going to be like all the time….texting and talking to him on the phone, punctuated by periodic visits….either him visiting here, or me visiting there. I came to a conclusion….it wasn’t as bad as I thought it was going to be. That was a relief for me. I completely trust him, which is a really nice feeling….before David I had never been with a guy I COMPLETELY trusted (I have good instincts, let’s just say….). That is essential for a long distance relationship, I’m pretty sure! πŸ™‚ I’m excited for him to go and conquer the world (as he likes to say), and I’m so excited to hear his stories. I’m also excited to visit the city he’s moving to….I have always wanted to go. I must say, I’m glad he’s moving somewhere I wouldn’t mind visiting. πŸ™‚ It sounds weird, but I’m kind of looking forward to visiting him and having that moment in the airport where we see each other again, for the first time in a long time. That’s going to be a pretty cool feeling. πŸ™‚ I will definitely appreciate even MORE, any time I get to spend with him. I’m learning how to live in the moment….with David’s help….he’s been trying to get through to me about that for awhile now. What can I say….he seems to always be right! Lol.

Okay, so back to yesterday…. I had been begging him to bring me a souvenir back from NYC. Well, he had a much better idea. We got to stay in a hotel after I picked him up. I got to spend about 20 hours with him….just the two of us….with his undivided attention. It was so awesome. I slept the best that I have slept since July 31st when he moved out of his condo. He was wiped out and I was pretty tired too, so we slept A LOT. The bed was so soft and fluffy….probably the nicest hotel bed I have ever slept in. It felt so good to get a good night’s sleep! It was the best gift he could have given me. πŸ™‚ I SO appreciate that guy…..

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Who is Reading????

My blog usually gets about 3 or 4 views a day. I posted a link to it in my status update on Facebook, and I was shocked to see that I’ve had 106 views since last night! I know of a couple people who read it (my boyfriend and my friend Megan, for example), but other than that, I don’t think anyone I know really had read it. It’s kind of a weird feeling to know people are reading all about your life and you don’t know who they are! Most people don’t leave comments, so I decided I want to know a little bit about who’s reading. I saw a post on another blog I read and she had posted a survey so she could learn more about her readers. I liked that idea, so I decided I would do the same thing. I put in spaces for your name and location….all of that is optional. Please be honest! Here is the link to the survey. Enjoy! And feel free to leave comments!

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