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Archive for June, 2009

I’ve had an excellent weekend, thus far. That said, weekends aren’t ALL that exciting. My boyfriend doesn’t have a “traditional” job, so he basically works whenever he wants to. This means we often go out on week nights and he often does work on the weekends. So, while most people are all excited for the weekend….it’s not really that big of a deal to him. He works for himself….from home….so he picks his schedule. Anyways, he took me out on a date Friday night. We went to Azteca for dinner and then we went and saw the new Transformers movie. I really enjoyed it! I didn’t know what to expect. I liked that it had action yet was also funny.

My baking streak has continued. I am a bit out of control I have to say. It’s just something I enjoy doing. If I’m stressed or need to relax, baking calms me down. It’s so much more fun when you have someone to bake for. I would never eat it all myself, so it helps that David and his brother are around to eat it all! I don’t think they mind, either. πŸ™‚ I think it would be so much fun to be a baker or to own a bakery. I wonder how one would go about doing that…..

I had some success in the job department on Friday, as well. I’m going in for an interview (of sorts) for an office job on Tuesday. Also, a lady wants to meet with me about a nanny job. So we’ll see! Wouldn’t it be interesting if I ended up having more than one option after all of this? Both are in Seattle…..I’m actually not sure which one I would prefer….probably the nanny job.

I watched “Tears of the Sun” the other night for the first time. My gosh, it was good! I did cry at times….it was kind of hard to watch. Great movie though. I feel so cultured….David has made me watch so many movies I had no idea existed. It’s awesome! Speaking of movies, we saw the “New Moon” (next Twilight movie) preview, before Transformers and David proclaimed that it actually looks pretty awesome. The preview is awesome….the part where Jacob turns into a wolf is so cool. David insists that he would much rather be a werewolf than a vampire. Apparently they are more bad ass. πŸ™‚ Guess I won’t have to talk him into seeing that movie with me….he’ll go willingly! πŸ™‚

Time to end this random post and continue to enjoy my weekend.

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From A to Z

Well, it’s the weekend. I don’t really feel like coming up with something coherent to say. SO….for fun, here’s a survey! Enjoy.

A

Available: I’m not….I have an amazing boyfriend. Yes, I finally found a GOOD one, and I’m keeping him. πŸ™‚

Age: 26…yikes

Annoyance: Arrogance

Animals? Probably cats or dogs.

B

Best feeling in the world: Being loved

Best weather: Sunny but not too hot.

Been in love: Yes.

Been on stage: Many, many times.

Boys: I prefer men. πŸ™‚

C

Candy: I really like Swedish Fish

Chinese / Mexican food: Mexican, hands down.

Cake or pie: Pie

Continent to visit: Well, I have never been off the North American continent, so I’m not really sure. However, I think I would really enjoy Europe.

D

Dancing in the rain: No thank you….I don’t like getting my hair all wet. I’m from Seattle yet very proudly use an umbrella (with polka dots!), even though supposedly only tourists use umbrellas here.

Drop things: all the time. I’m not very graceful.

Dog: What is this asking exactly? Do I have a dog? No, I don’t. Although someday I want a Golden Retriever

Diamonds: I would like one someday. I don’t currently own any diamonds.

E

Eyes: I have blue eyes.

Everyone’s got: Feelings (and it’s, “Everyone HAS….”)

F

First thought when you wake up: What time is it?

Food: My recent favorite food discovery is Thai….oh my gosh….so good. Oh, and Sushi.

G

Greatest fear: Being alone.

Gum: I’m not picky about gum.

H

Hair color: It’s brownish

Happy: I’m happy right now.

Holiday: Christmas…obviously.

I

Ice cream: I actually prefer Red Mango frozen yogurt….if you’ve never tried it, run out and try it now. Seriously, it’s that good (and only 90 calories per serving!).

Instrument: I played the piano and the clarinet when I was younger.

J

Jewelry: Sometimes I wear earrings but I really don’t have any “real” jewelry (for example: real silver, diamonds, etc.)

Job: I’m desperately searching for one….it is not fun.

K

Keep a journal?Β  I was addicted to keeping journals when I was younger. I have a bunch of finished ones somewhere at my mom’s house. Now I’m down to just this online one.

Kissing: I love it….as long as it’s David. πŸ™‚

L

Laughed so hard you cried: It’s happened many, many times. Laughing is one of my favorite things to do.

Last time slept: Ummm, I slept last night…..

M

Movies: I just saw the new Transformers movie last night (date night, you see). I really enjoyed it. Bumblebee was my favorite.

Motion sickness: When I was a kid I used to get HORRIBLE motion sickness. It’s better now, but if I haven’t eaten, I’m sitting in the backseat, and/or I’m reading it can still get ugly.

N

Not ready for: Being away from the puppies for so long.

Name: Ava Josephine, Ellie, Claire, Elizabeth….I like classic names.

O

One wish: To go to Disneyland. I need a vacation and what better place than the happiest place on earth?!

P

Perfect pizza: I’ll eat pretty much any of it.

Pets: I don’t personally have any pets. However, I enjoy King.

Q

All that is necessary for the triumph of evil is that good men do nothing.” (I just watched Tears of the Sun the other night for the first time, and this quote was at the end of the movie.)

R

Reality TV: I’m slightly addicted, I’ll admit it.

S

Song of the moment: Either “Broken” by Amy Lee and Seether or “Enough For Now” by The Fray (though that one makes me cry sometimes)

Salad Dressing: Honey Mustard

Strawberries: I like them, yes.

T

Thunderstorms: I enjoy them….Illinois had the best ones.

Trust: Is very necessary in order for any relationship to make it.

U

Unpredictable: My life.

V

Vacation spot: Disneyland….or anywhere warm.

W

Weakness: Books

Worst feeling: Rejection

X

X-rays: I’ve only had dental ones

Y

Yellow: I love yellow! I even had a yellow room!

Z

Zoo animal: Probably the lions. I actually really want to go to the zoo….I was mentioning that the other day. Seems like a fun sunny day thing to do.

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“Broken”

I really enjoy this song. It’s “Broken” by Seether and Amy Lee (from Evanescence). Just thought I would share it. I get excited when I discover new songs. πŸ™‚

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There’s so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

[x2]
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away

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Rough Week

It’s been a rough week for me….I’m not really sure why. It started with Fathers’ Day and spiraled downhill from there. For some reason, a whole bunch of stress just hit me out of nowhere. All the stress I always try to push to the back of my mind seemed to all hit me in the face. I feel SO discouraged. I am sick of looking for jobs and having no luck. I’m sick of feeling inadequate and inept, when in reality I would have no problem handling every job I’ve applied for. In all reality, I’m overqualified for most of those jobs. Why won’t anyone give me a chance? Is it because my last job only lasted for five months? If so, that’s not fair….I got laid off…I didn’t get fired, I didn’t just randomly quit or stop showing up. The auto industry was hit really hard by the economy and I was the one they could afford to let go. I shouldn’t be penalized for that. If I hadn’t gotten laid off, I’m sure I would still be working there. I just don’t know what to do. I am so tired of feeling useless….like I’m not doing anything of value. I try to keep myself as busy as possible so I feel productive….I do dishes, clean, do laundry, cook, and bake. I can’t STAND sitting around doing nothing, so as you can imagine, the last few months have been hard for me.

I feel left behind by so many. I feel like I don’t have anyone in my life who can relate to what I’m going through. I’ve learned some tough lessons this past year….the hardest was figuring out that some of the people I had always trusted-people I had considered to be some of my closest friends-actually aren’t. That is never fun, but it’s a necessary lesson to learn, I think. I am one of those people who would do anything for those I care about. I’m realizing that not everybody is like that, unfortunately. I’m picky about who I choose to surround myself with. Why? Because the people we hangout with have a lot of influence over us. I know we would like to think that’s not true, but most of the time we don’t even realize the negative effect someone could be having on us. It usually takes someone else close to us to point it out.

I’m a nurturer by my very nature. I take care of people. I’ll be the one making sure everyone’s okay and waiting on everyone. Sadly, there are not many like that for me, in my life. A lot of times I feel like I give and give and give and get very little in return. Obviously I don’t do things for people because I WANT something in return, but after awhile it’s exhausting. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone out of my way to be there for my friends (when it wasn’t convenient) only to have them not return the favor when I needed THEM. I have no idea why I’m not more jaded than I am! We were talking on Sunday about how women these days are different-they’re harder and more mean. Women have learned they need to be tough. I’m truly not like that though. I’m soft and caring and real. I am not manipulative or mean. I think that’s to my detriment sometimes….I get hurt.

I’m struggling with not feeling good enough right now. I’ve always prided myself on the fact that I’ve always been able to take care of myself. I’ve always gotten along just fine. I was always able to pay my bills and provide for myself. It’s hard to not be able to do that right now. I think one of the hardest things (and I hate admitting this) is that I’m embarassed to tell people that I don’t have a job right now. I’m afraid they will judge me. I have a lot to offer, job or not. I just need to remember that.

If I could have anything right now I would want to escape for a little bit. It’s been over two years since I had any kind of vacation and I feel like I need one. I don’t need to go far….Leavenworth would be fine. Or Canada. Even a ferry ride (as long as it was a long one) would make me feel like I’m getting away. I just need a change of scenery and some FUN. My dream? Disneyland! I haven’t been there in so long. I’m like a little kid when it comes to Disneyland….I love it so much. Sigh. Dreaming about vacations makes me feel better-at least momentarily…. Summertime means I have to hear about everybody’s travels-and while I’m happy for them, I can’t help but wish I was going somewhere too….

I think I’ve rambled enough for the night. I’m sure this didn’t make much sense.

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Today most definitely wasn’t my day. I spent much of the day being stressed out. Why was I stressed? Because my job search seems to be going nowhere fast. Craigslist was how I found my last few jobs. This time though, everything seems to be a scam. It’s frustrating! I spend all that time applying for jobs that don’t exist anyway….it’s dumb. All day long I was thinking about all the things I can’t do because I don’t have an income. It’s discouraging.

I don’t like feeling helpless.

I feel restless. I don’t like that either.

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Today was Fathers’ Day. Well, actually yesterday was Fathers Day, but I haven’t been to bed yet. Fathers Day is hard for me….I’m sure that’s not surprising if you know the story. I actually had a good day. I had a lot of fun with David and his family and was able to push all the thoughts of my own family out of my head. THEN….I went to bed. Next thing I knew, tears were streaming down my face. Going through my mind were all sorts of memories with my dad. Stuck in my head was a picture my mom took of me and my sister Lindsey, sitting on my dad’s lap on fathers day one year. I was probably about 6 in the picture and Lindsey was probably 3. We were wearing matching dresses, we had bows in our hair, and my dad was hugging us. Also going through my head were memories of my dad tucking me into bed, singing “You Are My Sunshine”, and giving me “zerbits”. My mom did most of the Christmas shopping, but every year, my dad would go out and get us something special just from him. That was always so special to me. My dad would have done anything for his girls. I just can’t help but wonder how we went from that to our dad not even talking to us.

I was a daddy’s girl. Out of the three of us, I was probably the closest to him. Lindsey has always claimed that I was his favorite. I don’t think I was, I just think we were the most alike. He understood me better. He was a good dad. He had a temper sometimes and wasn’t perfect, but I NEVER doubted that he loved me. Now? My dad doesn’t really acknowledge my existence. I didn’t get a gift for my birthday….I didn’t even get a call, letting me know he was thinking about me on the day I was born. This year was the first year that happened, and it really affected me. I mean, it wasn’t just a friend or distant relative not telling me happy birthday….it was one of the two people who was actually THERE the day I was born.

I think the worst part of it all, is that he blames me. I am apparently the one with the problem. Apparently I am the one who is supposed to be making all the effort and being understanding, when HE is the one who made the DECISION to sleep with another woman while married to my mother and then walking away from our family and really not looking back. You would think he could show me and my sisters a little grace, considering what he put us through. Instead, it seems to be very easy for him to just walk away.

I heard somewhere that divorce is like a death….only worse, in some ways. When someone dies you have finality, closure. It’s extremely hard, yes, but you know that the person didn’t CHOOSE to leave you. My dad isn’t dead, yet I feel like the dad I always knew is. He’s not the same person….he doesn’t have the same interests, hobbies, values, goals, priorities, and he even LOOKS different. He’s not there for me. He’s no longer someone I can depend on or trust. My dad was all about his family…..now it’s like we don’t even exist. How do you turn your back on the ONLY children you’re ever going to have? I have a hard time with that. And HOW does that father blame his own children? I don’t get it.

Ironically, we got into a discussion today at David’s parents’ house about the huge role fathers have in their daughters lives. I never knew how true that was until I experienced NOT having that anymore. I was an adult, but I saw how it affected my sister Kelsey, who was eleven at the time. She has been through SO much. The way she chose to deal with it (besides having bouts of anger) was writing songs. Here she was, not even a teenager, yet the depth of emotion that she managed to convey, made it clear that she was going through more than any little kid should have to. It made us all cry to know that she was going through all that, and we couldn’t make it better. It’s impossible to think that that’s not going to have effects on her as an adult. I am twenty-six years old, and it’s still hard for ME. All my life, my dad was THE stable male figure in my life. He was the person I was supposed to be able to count on regardless. He was supposed to love me unconditionally. Yet, he walked away. After 22 years of being there, he suddenly wasn’t anymore. If HE could walk away….my own father….who’s to say every single other person in my life isn’t going to eventually walk away? I’ve been very careful to not let that seep into my romantic relationship. It’s been a conscious effort and I’m not always successful, but I’ve gotten a lot better, and I’m pretty proud of myself. I have made the decision to let my dad go, in a sense. I don’t go to him for help, or for advice….it’s just too hard. And it isn’t healthy. For awhile, the best thing for me was to distance myself from him. Lately I’ve been wondering if I should reach out to him again…..because whether I like it or not, he’s the only dad I will ever have. I just need to figure out if letting him in my life again is worth the pain that could come with it. He still doesn’t really acknowledge the pain that he’s caused us….he insists that it’s our “choice” to view it that way.

I have SO many memories. I had what most would consider a picture perfect childhood. Sure my parents fought every once in awhile….and there were some big fights in there too, believe me….but we always knew our parents loved us. All you have to do is watch our home videos and look at my mom’s thousands of pictures, to see what a loving family we were. The difficult thing is, now all those memories seem like a lie. I want to think about the good times, but it makes me so sad, sometimes. I choose to believe that my childhood wasn’t a lie….it WAS happy, I WAS loved. Just because my family fell apart, does not make the childhood I had any less real.

I feel so alone sometimes. I feel like no one really understands. Most of the people I know, have never been through anything like this. The thing I wish they understood? That I don’t need them to understand….or even give me answers (there ARE no answers)….I just want to feel like I can talk about it without worrying that I’m burdening them. I don’t need them to fix it, I probably just need a hug. Because it’s times like these, I really don’t want to feel alone. I feel like I’m entitled to one day a year to be sad about what I lost….I just miss my dad…..

n508659419_771440_7452This is my dad on the day he became a dad….with me on January 30, 1983. I prefer to remember him this way.

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Last night was honestly one of the best nights that I’ve had in awhile. It was karaoke time! There’s a fun little bar in Kingston that has karaoke every weekend. One of the fun things about these nights, is that a ferry ride is required to get there….and we all know how much I love ferry rides. πŸ™‚

When we got to the other side, we stopped and got some crepes at a little place down the street from where we were going. I got one called “The Canadian” which I’ve had before. It has ham and egg in it, with syrup on it. Oh my goodness, it was good! When we were done with our crepes, we headed down the street to the bar. Joe immediately grabbed a binder and started picking out which songs he was going to sing. Joe is one of David’s good friends and he is a little obsessed with karaoke! πŸ™‚

100_2146Before long it was time for Joe and David to sing their first song together of the night.

100_2152I decided I needed a new picture of me and David….it had been awhile since I took any. I love this picture! So, of course, it is now my profile picture on Facebook. πŸ™‚

100_2148I have such an amazing boyfriend. What a cutie he is.

100_2149Meanwhile, on the other side of the table, Joe was rocking out in his chair. πŸ™‚

100_2158

100_2167I took a lot of pictures last night. David doesn’t always like to have his picture taken, but he was totally all for it, so I took advantage of that. Joe got some AWESOME pictures on his camera as well. We took a lot of really fun pictures.

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At about midnight, me and David decided to go down the street to another bar, where they have pool tables. The last ferry leaves Kingston at 12:20, so we didn’t have a lot of time. While David played, I entertained myself with taking pictures. Shocking, I know.

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100_2177We ran out of there in quite a hurry. We just barely made the ferry (again!) and we had to run to make it on. In our haste to make it on time, I ran off without my jacket. I left it sitting on a chair. Now, this was my favorite jacket, that I wear ALL the time. I bought it at Express back in February with my birthday money. It was on clearance, and therefore kind of irreplaceable. I was really bummed. David went off to work today. He often goes to a coffee shop and gets a bunch of work done. Well, he got back, and then….handed me my jacket. He went ALL the way to Kingston today just to get me my jacket! It was so sweet, and quite a surprise. I’m a lucky girl!

This weekend has been awesome, so far. Who knows, perhaps I will take more pictures….the weekend’s not over yet! πŸ™‚

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